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Me mam were floating on ceiling,
Higher than a double-decker bus
Sheedad a letter from scool abart me’
Summat to do wi’ passing eleven-plus.
Me! From Wimpey estate in Bozer’
Wheer only the toughest rule.
What would me mates all think?
Gooin’ to a namby-pamby grammar school!
Me mam spent all her money buyin’ gubbins,
Uniform, satchel and a boxed pen and pencil set.
Anna great big badge to goo on blazer,
Wi’ motto- “Ab honesto virum bonum nihil deterret”
Werst thing woz maroon school cap,
But I starched it till it went rait stiff,
Stuck it to backa me ‘ead wi’ Brylcreem,
So it wunt damage mi’ great Elvis quiff
Well, first day eventually cum round’
And I don’t suppose it could have been worse!
Two big lads tried to flush me ‘ead darn toilet,
Two big lads had to goo and see nurse!!
I dint know they’d reported me,
But, soon after, I heard this terrible sound,
“You there! Obnoxious new boy! Come here!!”
Echoed in all corners of playground!
“Heyup, mester.Wotsup wi’ thee?”
Was all that I said.
He went all shades of purple under his mortar-board,
My fest encounter wi’ the Head!
“Mester!! MESTER??, he hissed, ”You address me as SIR!”
I could see he were intent on making a scene,
But mi dander were up now, ”Call thee sir?”
“Why? Haztha bin knighted bi Queen?”.
Until then I dint know what detention were,
But I soon found out as it were crap,
Locked up in classroom all dinner-time’
The minute as I’d finished me snap!
They force-fed me chemistry, biology, physics,
Maths and French- how did they expect me to take all that in?
But the straw that broke the camel’s back,
Woz amo- amas- amat ----Latin!!
An ancient ‘owd Eyetie language,
It woz all Greek to me!
They even pronounced it double yoo,
And everyone cud see it woz letter “V”!
Teacher telled other kids to practise at ‘om,
And call their parents mater and pater.
All except me, He reckoned fest priority’
Worra Bozer to English translator!
Duztha Know? It took’em five years ,
To knock all rough edges offa me,
And, even nar, I speak wi’ no accent at all,
I oughta to be reading news on B.B.C.
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