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Dear Messrs Robinson and Hearne,
I am taking the unprecedented step of apologising to your lady listeners.
I realise now that I have been quite insensitive with my barbed comments, and it really is time I stopped.
Bolsover ladies, I am sorry!
To other ladies in the Radio Sheffield catchment area, I am sorry!
And, especially to Lynn Wilkinson, an Irish / Lancashire / South Yorkshire lady, who felt so upset that she had to reply, in verse, to the radio station I would really like to write a compassionate, romantic love poem and dedicate it just to her, because she sounds so nice!
So, here goes!
Oh! Lovely, luscious, voluptuous Lynn,
If only me and thee could have been wed!
Nar! Forget it! I teck it all back!
Tha can have this other poem instead!
LEFT HAND DRIVE – OR IS IT RIGHT??
Narthen! I consider missen to be a happy-go-lucky sort of bloke,
But, let me tell thee, I’m fortunate to be alive!
I swore as I’d never lerrit happen aggen, burra got sucked in,
Teachin’ a woman how to drive!
I’ve nowt aggenst ‘em, cookin’ and cleanin’ and all that,
But the truth is, to put it plainly, they’re not very bright.
I’ve yet to meet one in Bozer, or anywheer else for that fact,
Who can tell her left hand from her right!
Tha feels such a twerp when tha guz to buy “L” plates,
They sell ’em in pairs, but I need to buy three!
One on fronta car, one on back, and t’other, “L” for “Left”,
Stuck on dashboard in fronta me!!
It dunt work, I tell thee, ‘nowt does,
And that’s before tha even gets to their feet!
Two feet, three pedals ------,
The recipe for confusion is complete!
“Brake wi’thi right foot! BRAKE WI’THI RIGHT FOOT!!!”
“There’s no way as tha can go faster and stop at the same time !”.
Fancy! Lerrin a female get behind a steerin’ wheel,
It's time as somebody made it a crime!!
“We’ve got to get this relationship rait! Dooaztha telled !
I’m the boss! What I say guz!! Thar only learning!!!
And, will tha listen, for just once in your life?
And indicate the same way astha turning!!
“Thas nigh on frittened that poor old bloke to death,
He’d got right of way on zebra crossing in his invalid scooter!”
Its not took thi long to find out what women are best at!
-----That’s pippin’ their flippin’ hooter!”
For any bloke who finds hissen in same predicament,
Don’t gu wi’in a mile an’aif of any roundabout.
It saves thee trying to explain clockwise and anti- clockwise,
‘Cos she’ll just not have a clue what tha talkin’ about!
And, if tha places any value on thi no-claims bonus,
Don’t let her drive down a road where there's any shops!
Cos, if there’s any wi’ “SALE”, or “EVERYTHING MUST GO” signs in window,
Tha’ll find as she does a lotta unscheduled emergency stops!
To cut a long story short, she passed her driving test, fest time!
It just guz to show worra good instructor I must be!
I was dead chuffed wi’ missen, I even thought about,
Taking it up professionally!
But, every silver lining has a dark cloud,
As tha well knows when a woman attracts thi attention wi’ a little cough.
“Ahem! Daddy! Sweet, special Daddy! Can I borrow thi car tonight?”
“Can tha what!! No! Tha Cant! Buy thee own!! Bog Off!!!”
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