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An attempt not to upset anyone.
A lotta folks felt sorry for Bozer Brian,
A lad who lived at end of our street.
He was what's known as a medical marvel,
‘Cos he really was born with two left feet!
At fest, his mam was distraught, what was she gooin’ to do abart shoes?
She’d gorra rait problem, as tha can no doubt see.
Burras long as they just kept purrin’ left shoes on display outside shoe shop,
She soon discovered as Brian’s shoes were free!
Brian grew up to be a determined young man,
It weren’t gooin’ to hold him back, this anomaly wi’ his feet,
For years he ran up and down Bozer Hill, to strengthen his muscles,
Handled rait, he could have been an Olympic athlete!
Well, school sports day came round and Brian were in 400 metres,
And he was fastest as anyone had ever seen,
Time keeper reckoned, unofficial like, as he’d brock world record,
Even though he was only sixteen!
Word spread locally like wildfire, annit weren’t long,
Before it reached Billy Lineker, chief scout of Chesterfield FC,
He dragged his two quickest players outa pub and telled ‘em,
“We’re gooin’ up Bozer, there’s summat we’ve got to see!”
They found his school and asked Head if it were orlrate to race Brian,
Wunt teck long, just one lap around the track.
To Billy’s astonishment, all the players saw of Brian,
Was his rapidly disappearing back!
They rushed back to Saltergate to find manager,
“Thas got to sign this kid”, said Billy, ” He’s what tha’d call a phenomenon!”,
“Tha knows how tha’s bin looking for a left-footed player?”
“Well! Tha’d be gerrin’ two for price of one!”.
The manager was under a bit of pressure,
‘Cos Spireites had lost ten games on the trot,
“Gerrim kitted out”, he told Billy, ”He can play aggenst Donny tonight”,
“He’s bound to be better than ‘owt we’ve got!”.
Brian got the ball from the kick-off, the crowd gasped,
As he went like a rocket through the Saltergate mud,
But the further he went, the more he veered to the left,
Until he clouted the linesman with a sickening thud!
The linesman was a crafty old soul,
And the next time as Brian sped after the ball,
Once bitten, twice shy, he stepped out of road,
And Brian splattered against the Wing Stand wall!
The ground was in uproar, and Donny players made it worse,
They could see how fast as he could run,
But they kept passin’ the ball to him on purpose,
Then standing back to watch the fun!
The manager was furious, he beckoned Billy to the dug-out,
“Tha knows, after this, the Boards gooin’ to insist as I resign!”
“Tha telled me he woz quick, and tha woz rait abart that!”,
“But tha dint tell me as he couldn’t run in a straight line!!”.
“Wot tha gooin’ to do nar, Boss?”, said Billy anxiously,
They’d never seen the fans so angry, it was beginning to bother ’em,
“Same as wot other clubs do wi’ duff players!”, said Boss,
“Sell ‘im to blinkin’ Rotherham!!”.
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