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THE THEORY OF RELATIVES
All through history, tales have been distorted, added to, and some are down-right lies.
This applies to the theory of relativity.
It was discovered in the early nineteenth century,
By one of the first graduates of Bozer University.
Wi’ Bozer being perched up on top of a mountain and inaccessible,
There was a lot of, let's say, inter-breeding.
Most of the villagers could write,
But not many of them were much good at reading.
Every Friday night,in “Mucky Duck”, was a competition,
The atmosphere so tense it could be cut with a knife,
A free pint to the bloke who could prove, beyond doubt,
That he’d got the loudest, most shrill, nagging wife!
They had a unique way of finding the winner,
Who was entitled to stand in the market place and brag,
That out of all the women in Bozer,
He had married the one with the loudest nag!
What they had woz an evil concoction,
A mixture of soot, beef dripping and beer.
And then, on a Saturday night, get their best mate,
To paste it in the trumpet of each ear!
When missus started nagging, all they had to do,
Was shove in the sixth finger on each hand,
As far as was needed to drown out the screech,
What was left was a black, indelible band.
The only bloke to be trusted to do measuring,
Was the neutral, inscrutable landlord,
And they’d all wait, with baited breath till ten o’clock,
When he’d pin up the winner’s name on the dartboard.
There was a lot of inter-tribal rivalry,
Nobody liked anyone else to win,
So at five past ten on a Friday night,
That’s when the fun would begin!
Accusations of cheating were rife, tempers flared,
And a few, poorly aimed, punches were thrown.
This is when Bozer’s own egg-head, Dr. Albert Eidelswein,
Decided to let himself be known.
He reckoned he could come up with a formula,
To prove who was the winner, beyond doubt.
All he asked for was a few sheets of paper and a pencil,
And a few days to mathematically work it out.
For most of the next week, day and night,
He was traipsing round Bozer on foot,
To make his theory work he had to take measurements,
Of every housewife's jaw, both open and shut!
His foot ruler sufficed on most women, except for the over 50’s,
He had to use a yardstick on them!
For his forthcoming formula, this Mandibular extension,
Was abbreviated to the letter “M”.
The next thing he needed to know was the nature of the Crime Committed
This was shortened to “C2”,
It could then be given a number from his graduated table,
From one to ten, the secret of which, only he knew.
Getting home late merited a number one, late and drunk a two,
Forgetting her birthday was thought to be a grade three,
Four, five and six were often guessed at,
But the high numbers still remain a mystery!
The product of these two numbers enabled him to calculate,
The Ear splitting noise, shortened to “E”,
Measured in Deafibels, E=MC2, produced on a Friday night,
Gave the winner, indisputable, available for all the contestants to see!
No need now, to file the finger down to the bone,
So you could shove it further in your lug-‘ole,
Science had put paid to all the cheating and fighting,
Friday nights gradually fizzled out, the tradition had lost its soul!
The years rolled on, and it was time for Albert,
To make his ascent to the Pearly Gates.
His friends took all his papers and formulas,
And sent them to his distant cousin in the United States.
The Yanks made a mess of it, got all the names wrong,
To make it bigger, they squared the value of “C”,
They didn’t understand it, but still claimed it as their own,
And called it E = M C 2, “The Theory of Relativity”.
A few old die-hards tried to resurrect the Friday night tradition,
But, to be honest, it was poorly attended.
When they built a new pub in Bozer, and called it “The Quiet Woman”,
The insult was too great, Friday night officially ended!
You may think this story is a load of Bunkum, but this quaint old North Derbyshire tradition has put many phrases and sayings into the English language.
Like -
“Near to the knuckle”
“I’m not one for pointing the finger, but”
“Beyave thissen or I’ll gi’ thee some earole powder!”
“In one ear and out the other”
“Pull thi finger out!”“Whats gooin’ on ear then?” -------------(SORRY!!)
“Not as black as its painted”
“Working my fingers to the bone”
And many more.
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