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THEM 200 BLOODY STEPS TO BLOODY WHITBY BLOODY ABBEY (OR - LETS COUNT’EM ON US WAY BACK UP)
5,6,7,8,
It was all rate coming down.
Whose daft idea was this?
"Come on-lets walk into town"
I know I'm a bit out of shape,
And could do wi' being a bit slimmer.
But theres an old lass in front a me,
Shooting up steps wi' a zimmer.
9,10,11 12,
I'm already thinking of stopping ,
I'd fly up if it were just me,
But I'm carrying 4 bags of shopping.
13,14,was that a stagger?
No -- I don't think so,
I was best runner at school--but that
Was 5 stone and 40 years ago
20 summat-its all rate for her,
She's a bit younger than me.
She's a postwoman, thin as a stick,
And as fit as a proverbial flea.
Its got to be 30 odd now,
'Cos I'm really starting to whiff,
What twerp put this caravan
Right up on the top of this cliff?
How many now? Must be halfway!
A few steps more, there's a bench.
I'll stop and have a quick fag,
'Cos this whiff's turning into a stench.
Perhaps best not to have a smoke
It'd be better to have a quick sleep.
No. I'll just sit and get me breath back,
Christ! In't Whitby steep?
Some bugger's got to seat before me!
I'd have 'im- but me shirt's stuck to me back!
I've got to keep on going,
I'm gunner 'ave an heart attack!
Is it 60 or 70? I don't care anymore!!
Is that seagull laughing at me?
I'd have 'im anall. Swat it wi' me bags,
But wi' sweat in my eyes, I can't see!!
A kid's just run past me, counting.
108--109--110,
If, when I get to top, she's forgot 'owt,
She can go and fetch it her 'sen.
Me feets on fire, me nose is dripping,
Sod this for a lark!
Next time, I'm coming in car,
Don't care how much it is to park!
Me eyes are spinning, oxygens gone,
Me chest's as tight as a drum.
And I can feel sweat from me back,
Trickling darn nick of me bum!
2 hours ago, I was asleep.
Snoring sweet songs into me piller.
If I could only catch up, I'd put me 'ands
Round her throat, and I'd kill 'er
Oh God! Before I go-- , just one more pint,
One more fag---- one more pork pie,
Oh and one more---- No, it’s her own fault,
Why should I ?
Not far from top now,
Can I see her or am I dreaming?
Is she shouting down to me?
Or is it my calf muscles screaming?
Yes! It's my missus, I can hear her!
"198---199--
You've made it at last! How are you?"
Me? I'm champion--- I'm fine!!
Forcing a smile when she was looking,
Gasping for breath when she'd turned away,
"Good", she said, "When we've had some snap,
I fancy going to Robin Hood's Bay".
AAAAAAARRRRGGHHHHHHH
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