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A cacophony of joy,
Greets the early warm shafts of Spring.
Romantic verse is with us again,
More lovely than even the birds can sing.
But, above all the harmonies of Mother Nature
As she gently stirs in to life,
Can be heard the discordant screech of the
Common Permed,Blue-rinsed Housewife!
“Shift thissen from fronta that telly!,
And gerrout and get that garden done!
A few ‘ours diggin’ll not hurt thee,
It’ll do thee good to gerrout in Sun!”
“And, I’ll be able to see what tha dooin’,
Even though tha might think I’m not looking,
So, go and get thi tools outa shed,
Gerrout theer and get stuck in!”
So, I got me fork and me spade,
And headed for highest clumpa grass,
Straight away – I found it, an old oil lamp.
It was made o’ metal, I think it was brass.
So, just like in old pantomime tales,
I gorra bit of rag, and polished the spout.
Believe me or not, there worra puff o’ smoke,
A flash! And then this genie popped out!
“Heyup Fatha!”,he said,
“I’nt this thy lucky day?”
“I bet as tha dunt need two guesses,
As to what I’m gooin’ to say?”
“Wot’s tha want? A lottery win? Everlasting life?,
Duz tha want to be most powerful man in Nation?”
But I knew exactly what I wanted,
And I answered, Without hesitation!
“Can tha meck Chesterfield Football Club,
Bestest and most famous in Land?
Can tha build us a new ground wi’ toilets,
And a car park, and seats - so we don’t have to stand?”
“Gerrus some decent referees and lines-men,
And make sure as we win every game!
While tha at it! A two-hundred thousand seater stadium,
That’ll put the new Wembley to shame”!
“Heyup! Tha dunt want much,duz tha?”, said genie,
Giving his quizzical eyebrows a lift,
“Haztha thought of all hard work involved?
And tharsends o’ tons a rubble as I’d have to shift?”.
“I’d have to persuade all star players to come here,
And, to be honest, I’m not sure how.
But, if tha wants it all ready for next season,
I’d better get cracking – right now!”
“Look! I’m not saying as it can’t be done,
It can – but its one hellova task!
Are tha sure as tha dunt want summat a bit easier?
All tha’s got to do is just ask!!
“Orlrait then! If tha gooin to get monk on and be mardy!
I’ll gi thee summat simpler instead!
So! Can tha tell me, exactly, wheer eyes are,
In back o’ my missus’s head?”
He thought abart it for a minute, jumped up,
And said "I’m sorry, but I’ve got to go!”
I said,"Wheer duz tha think tha gooin’?”
He replied "To Madrid! To sign David Beckham and Ronaldo!”
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