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SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR PROGRAMME---
BUT THERE NOW FOLLOWS AN URGENT APPEAL
ON BEHALF OF THE VICTIMS OF THE APPALLING WEATHER--
FROM OUR BOZER CORRESPONDENT
You have probably seen the pictures on the news,
How Bozer was devastated by a freak tornado last night.
Emergency services have managed to reach the scene by helicopter,
But they have been greeted by an awful sight.
Dazed, forlorn inhabitants wandering aimlessly,
Many of them dressed only in rags,
All asking the same soul-searching question,
Poking through the rubble, “Wheers mi piggin’ fags?”
Badly affected are the unmarried mothers, “Worram I gunna do?”,
Said Britney Beyonce L. (14), mother of three,
“Mi Sky dish’s blown darn, and I can’t watch Trisha,
On mi 42 inch, HD ready, LCD TV!”
One of the older residents was particularly disgusted,
He said, “Tha’d think as they’d repair mostest important things first”
“But there’s no power to pubs,beer pumps don’t work!”
“I never thought I’d see the day---,England,--- and folks dying o’ thirst!”
An unruly mob has gathered outside the Royal Mail sorting office,
And they are all threatening violence, demanding to know,
Now that the building is just a pile of bricks,
When are they going to get their this week’s Giro?
The grief stricken Mayor, quizzed by reporters,
Was in tears as he set off on one of his morale boosting rounds,
“How can we replace a flattened town centre?
The damage estimate has already reached six thousand pounds!”
Even the Town’s joy-riders are complaining to the council,
They’ve gone to all that trouble to steal a car,
And because of all the boulders on the road,
They’re not able to drive very far!
The Police are powerless to do anything,
They will attend, but they can’t say where or when,
As one looted shopkeeper commented,
“Nothing much has changed there then!"
Volunteer rescue workers have been toiling round the clock,
In an attempt to clear up the mess.
They have managed to unearth many priceless works of art,
Ashtrays and mugs, mementoes of day-trips to Mablethorpe and Skegness.
So, we are asking all the people in the Radio Sheffield area,
To give, give and then dig deep and give aggen!
There’s all those benefit claim forms to fill out,
Just 20p will buy some unfortunate a ball-point pen.
It’s purely good luck that you have not been affected,
Just think of all those poor women and children in need.
One of the first priorities is dog food,
There’s all those whippets and lurchers to feed!
£5 will buy 20 fags and a disposable lighter,
Or 4 cans of Mansfield Extra Strong,
Even 40 tins of baked beans and sausages,
Will feed a family of five all week long.
Urgently needed is footwear and clothing!
If you could send a coat, that would be good!
It must have deep inside pockets (for when shop-lifting),
And, of course, a giant-sized hood!
Pairs of trainers are drastically required,
But don’t forget, these people still have their pride!
Cheap ones, less than £80, won’t do!
They must have a famous brand name on the side!
A gift of a much-needed baseball cap (around 40 quid),
Would make some youngster very happy.
So, send all parcels and donations to me,
C/O The Noth Derbyshire Rest Home For The Slightly Wappy.
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