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Before I start this rather long tale,
It would be best to set the scene,
About a weekly match on a local club water, and Sid,
Who, if keenness replaced skill, would be the best there’d ever been.
Pegs 1 and 2 won the matches every week,
Without fail, recorded the biggest weight.
Better than that, they were round a sharp bend,
Out of sight of the other thirty-eight.
Beyond Peg 1 was a little fence,
After which , the water tapered off to just a few inches deep,
The kind of place where you could tackle up,
Throw a few maggots in and nod off to sleep.
“Tha knows as I’m in charge o’ peg-bag next week”, said Sid’
“Well, I’m in peg 1, and it's peg 2 for thee!”
“Hartha gooin to wangle that?”--- “Just keep thi gob shut,
Let me draw thi peg, and then tha’ll see!”
Well, he did it orlrate, and we got favourite pegs,
And he woz full of himself was Sid,
“Just think!”, he said, as we were tackling up,
“Forty times five!! That’s two-hundred quid!!”.
“I don’t know how tha did it”, I said,
“I hope as tha dunt gerrus banned!”,
“No worries”, said Sid,"its an ‘owd Army trick”,
“Not really cheating — more sleight of hand!”
“But, theer aggen, looking back”,
“I did do summat a bit naughty!”
“I don’t want that giant Irishman anywhere near me,
So, I made sure as he got peg forty!”.
“Oh! Big Paddy!”, I said,”When tha knows as he’s down in club,
There’s trouble. It makes thee think twice abart stayin’ in!”.
“Nar thas gennim last peg, number forty,
It means as he’ll be in charge o’ weighin’ in!!”
“Tha saw worrappened on last match,
That blokes as mad as a hatter!”,
Chap next to him lerris float stray in his swim,
He picked ‘im up wi’ one hand and chucked him in watter!!”
“Heyup, Sid! Whistle ant gone yet!
What the dooin’? Chuckin’ thi groundbait in ?”
“Dip thi bread in, mate! Nobody can see us!
I can’t see the sense in waitin’!”
Three hours outa four passed, very slowly,
Not a fish, not a nudge or a knock or a bite.
Sid never admitted to being “watter-licked”,
It was allus that “Conditions weren’t right!”
Then, from outa blue, came the sound,
That every angler has learned to dread.
“Heyup Mester! Hazztha caught ‘owt?”,
Weren't all that the little voice said.
“Can I sit at side ‘o thee, Mester?,
I’ll show thee how to catch one!”
“If tha wants to fish, go t’other side o’ fence”, said Sid,
“Can’t tha see as there’s a match on ?”
A scruffy, snotty-nosed ten year old kid,
Wi a smelly “T” shirt and a pair a baggy “hand-me-down” jeans,
A ball of string and an old garden cane, which, aifernour ago,
Was supporting somebodies runner beans!
“That’s got shutter him!”,said Sid,
But soon this little head popped over the fence,
“Mester! Can tha borrer me a nuk?”, it said,
“Arr” said Sid. "Lose it - and it’ll cost thi fifty pence!”
Sid ferreted in his box and came out with a hook,
It was massive – I said "wots that tha’s got theer?”,
“As long as it keeps him quiet, its one left ovver,
From when we went shark-fishing, last year”.
“I don’t like saying ‘owt”, I said to Sid,
“But, every time as tha opens thi box, there’s a terrible stench, it reeks!!”
“I know," said Sid, “Burra can’t see nowt”
“Hang on! Its an old sandwich — muster been theer for weeks!”
Two minutes later-“Mester! Canna borrer a maggot?”
“A maggot!!”, said Sid, “A maggot! Duztha know how much they cost?”,
“There’s some luncheon meat in that sandwich,
Tha can have that. Nar clear off! Get Lost!!”
Wi’ only ten minutes left, for fest time, I heard Sid praying,
“God, I’ve tried maggot, caster, bread even a bit o’ cheese,
Theres two hundred quid gooin’ beggin’ here,
Gizza fish, God. Please!Please!”
“Mester! Mester! I think I’ve caught one!”
For a little ‘un, he cuddent half shout.
“Pop thi head ovver fence will tha?”, said Sid,”Wi’ that big hook,
He’ll be snagged on bottom, see what all fuss is about!”
Well, I had a steady stroll ovver,
And, honestly, I’d never seen the like!
His cane were bent double, string like piano wire,
And, on end, thrashing about – a twenty-pound pike!!
I sprinted back and got me landing net,
And gorrit under fish, just afore kid’s cane broke,
We all stood there, gob smacked, staring at it,
Sid was the first one that spoke.
“Lets gerrit in me net, sharpish,
It’ll not be long before whistle blows!”
“And, listen kid, if tha says ‘owt,
Tha’ll be gooin’ ‘om wi’ a broken nose!”
“It’s mine! I gorrit! Its not fair!”, cried the kid,
“Am only tellin’ thee once”, said Sid, "In plain Ingerlish !
MY bloody hook!!
MY bloody bait!!
MY bloody fish!!
“I wanted to tekkit ‘om”, he sobbed,
“I wanted to tekkit ‘om and show me mam!”
To try and placate him ,I said I’d have a word wi’ Sid, after weigh-in,
He might gi’it him back. Well, that’s how soft I am!
Wi’ pike “re-located” in Sid’s net,
All we could do was wait for Big Paddy and his scales,
He was a long time coming, but like Sid said, "It’ll be slowing him up,
Purrin’ zero’s against everybodies name, all the brainwork that entails!”
Big Paddy emerged from around the bend,
His size nineteen wellies thudding in the ground,
“Ennyting to weigh, beJaysus”, he boomed,
Sid, nonchalantly, ”Not much this week. Only about twenty pound!”
Then all Hell broke loose,
Brought about by that little lad,
As he ran up to Big Paddy,
Just two words ---“Dad! Dad!”
“I was only keeping it in me net for him”,
Said Sid, quick as a flash,
I closed my eyes, couldn’t bear to watch,
Needless to say there was one almighty splash!
It was Paddy that ended up spluttering in canal,
Its rait!! The Bigger they are, the harder they fall!
Then Sid chucked in the little lad,
“While tha in theer, tha might as well gi’im a good wash an’all!”
Sid picked his tackle up and stormed off,
Leaving the rest of us to clear up the mess.
“I’ve known him for years, I dint know he’d a temper like that!”
“Well”, said his brother,"Nar tha knows why he got chucked outa S.A.S.!”
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